Dealing With My 3rd Miscarriage

**TRIGGER WARNING – MISCARRIAGE AND BABY LOSS**

Before I had a miscarriage I didn’t really know anything about it. I knew it happened, but I didn’t know how many pregnancies end in miscarriage. 1 in 4 woman will have a miscarriage. 1 in 4 – so if you have 3 friends, one of you will most likely experience a miscarriage – how awful and terrifying is that thought!! I’m not saying all of this to scare the pants off anyone, I’m saying it because I never knew how much of an impact it would have on my life, and I want other women out there to know they are in no way alone.

I’m going to go ahead and say that we all know how it feels to have a loved one, or someone we know pass away. Miscarriage is a little different, especially an early miscarriage. There is no physical human being that we, as an outsider can see.

When I had my miscarriage I was six weeks pregnant. We decided Christmas day to start trying and were lucky that I fell pregnant first try. When I saw that positive pregnancy test, the love for my unmade baby suddenly filled my body and we couldn’t of been happier.

The 12 week rule.

People say not to tell anyone until you are 12+ weeks pregnant. However, due to the job that I have, for my own safety, and the babies safety I had to tell my work so they could do a pregnancy risk assessment. My mother in law works with me, so we had to tell Liam’s parents so the mother in law didn’t find out through work. Then because we told Liam’s parents, I couldn’t not tell mine. The way I see it, and this is my own personal view, but the way I see it, is that telling close friends and family early isn’t a bad thing at all. If anything was to go wrong, you’d have people to talk to. You’d have that close support system, because trust me when I say, there’s nothing worse than loosing a baby and feeling like you cant talk to anyone about it.

I have had complications with pregnancies in the past. So I was overwhelmed and happy but also bloody petrified. It got to 5 weeks and I just had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. I didn’t have morning sickness. Now with my others, I had morning sickness like you’ve never seen. I couldn’t even drink water! People told me not to worry, but I followed my gut and booked an early scan for the following Friday.

That scan never happened. A day later I had light bleeding and cramping, which can be normal in pregnancy. But due to past experiences, I rang NHS direct, and the woman on the phone told me to go straight to A&E. I was on my own because Liam was 30 mins away and at work. So I got a taxi to the hospital, checked myself in, and then sat down and waited. The A&E staff were incredible. I was a wreck. They saw me super quick, made me tea, reassured me and were just super nice. Liam raced to the hospital from work just after I’d had bloods done. I got told my pregnancy hormones were normal for 5 weeks, and that I could go home, but he was booking me in for a internal scan to see if everything was ok.

The day my world fell apart..

The next day Liam and I went to have the scan done. When I had the scan, they could see the gestational sac, but no fetal pole (baby). They questioned whether I could be earlier that we thought. They didn’t say anything about a miscarriage, but said I needed to come back the next day for more blood to see if my pregnancy hormones were rising or if they had dropped. Rising meaning everything was progressing…not rising..threatened miscarriage.

Third day. The day. Bloods were taken and we went home and waited. I had to wait for a Dr to ring me. He rung. He told me my Pregnancy hormones had dropped by half. My heart sank instantly. I knew what this meant, I knew what was coming. He proceeded to explain that I had experienced what they call an Empty Sac Pregnancy. This is where the pregnancy sac which would normally contain an embryo was empty. Very early on my body detected that something wasn’t right and stopped the pregnancy from happening – yet I still had some symptoms. He said I would miscarry in the next few days. I got off the phone and I sobbed. This was my third miscarriage. Third.

Then, it happened..

Not even 2 days later, It happened. We never even got to see/hear our babies heart beating. In just 2 weeks our lives had changed. At six weeks, the embryo is about the size of a lentil. Its meant to look like a tiny little tadpole with a big head – Kinda alien looking – Its also at this point that the heart starts beating. What a miracle. To a expecting mother, this tiny alien looking thing is a baby. A full on fat chunky dribbling baby.

Doctors describe a miscarriage at 6 weeks as a “early miscarriage”. A lot of doctors dismiss it and speak bluntly about your bleeding, the cramping, what happened if things don’t happen naturally and waiting before trying to conceive again. There is hardly any recognition for your hopes and dreams of becoming a mother and having a family which now lay crushed on the floor.

I was devastated. I’d lost a baby. My baby had died – to me anyway and there was nothing I could do but sit on the sofa, or lay in bed and cry whilst feeling like my insides were being ripped apart. No, i didn’t physically lose a fully formed baby, heck, technically I didn’t even lose an embryo! But to me, in my mind, it was a baby. My baby.

Getting back to normality after the miscarriage.

I took the week off work and they could not have been more supportive. But nothing prepared me for when I got back to reality. The one aspect of miscarrying that hardly anyone speaks about. Upon my return to work in my brake I would check my phone like I would every day. Maybe this was because of recent events. However, every time I looked on social media, somebody I knew was announcing they were pregnant.

It felt like everyday for the first few weeks after that everyone I knew was pregnant.  I would feel my whole body fill with the feeling of jealousy. A feeling I have never experienced in my entire life. Questions filled my mind. Questions like “how come they can have a baby and I can’t”. “They are too young to have a baby”. “They already have children, why can’t it be my turn” and the big ol “It’s not fair”. Worse yet, my fits of jealousy were interspersed with guilt. Guilt that I am lucky that I can actually fall pregnant.

That there are people out there who can’t even conceive a baby. People who have miscarried a lot later or worse, experienced a stillbirth and have had to bury their baby. Why couldn’t I just be grateful that I can fall pregnant, and that it happened “early” and feel happy for the woman in my life who were expecting?

After having a mini breakdown in the staff room on the news a fellow co-worker on site was pregnant, a dear friend of mine who I work with kept telling me to remain positive and that my time would come. After this, It took a few days for me to be ready to let go of my jealousy and guilt. I was able to start being happy for my pregnant friends.

It’s Ok to not be Ok

So, if somebody you know has gone through a miscarriage no matter how early on. Please acknowledge their baby. Acknowledge that babies existence. It isn’t about what you think or how you think. Its about recognizing that a mother and a father have lost their child. so don’t say “it wasn’t even a baby”. Say ” I’m sorry for your loss”. Allow them time to grieve for as long as they need to. Don’t expect the mothers to jump straight back in to normal life as if nothing has happened. Even when they are “ready” physically, mental healing takes a lot longer. Just be there for them.

To the other mummy’s to beautiful angels, you are not alone. Don’t ever feel like your feelings aren’t valid no matter how far long you may have been.

I was six weeks pregnant when my baby died. Six weeks pregnant when I had a early pregnancy loss. I was six weeks when I became a mother to an angel and nothing or nobody is ever going to take that away from me.